The start of the rest of it.

Finished school bout a month ago

its so surreal

the "real world"

i dont know what to do with myself.

what should i be doing? ive never been shown what to do.

i crave to just escape it all.

i dont really mind just doing nothing. working part time.

but really. its other peoples expectations that are creating the insecurities around me.

its making me wonder how mentally strong, or how normal i actually am.

i usually sleep at about 3-4am. wake at 11am or 12.

do nothing, watch tv. sunbake.

i ve been so forgetfull lately too.

its like because im not at school that i dont have anything focusing my attention

im a total airhead.

i let myself get down trotten too.

its so weird

new job, which suckkkkks.

it makes me feel so. weird. the feelings the people and the atmosphere evoke is something ive never felt before.

really is testing who i will be or is it?

i mean, im just filling the void between now and uni/working arnt i?

i dont know what direction my life is taking

i suppose im still waiting for it to start

im really not positioning myself to live up to all these adventures i plan on having

i really am not.

hm..

but making that start is so. well.. exsausting

i have to then look after myself.

i really do want to leave this shithole and make something though.

im not an idiot. i know that, but i let this job and the people there make me feel as though i am.

i need to

1. get my learners license
2. find a full time job i enjoy
3. save some money
4. get to a gym and start looking out for myself. im seriously getting really sick from not haveing enough vitamins.
5. really look after myself and get some self respect.
6. find out who my real friends are. or get some new better ones.
7. and really think about who i am know.

i spent so much time this year thinking, if i shaved every hair off my legs, and tanned everyday for an hour, and spend like half my morning straightening my hair i will magiclly look so much hotter. and then i'd controdict myself and be like, well.. i have nice wildish curls. i should be attractive to someone naturally.

i'd get so tired of the constant obsession with how i look that i really did nothing, and its not like anyone noticed me anyway. I seriously see myself with wish goggles or something. looking at photos and videos of myself is not how i see myself. maybe i try to look at the positives of me. but i disallusion myself. and its not healthy.

i watch these movies and there lives seem so interesitng. going overseas, working in coffee shops and experiencing culture. who am i kidding? i cant even study a road rules book and pass, let alone plan a fucking move overseas. i just do what im told. just float along.

i need to make some changes because soon, there wont be anyone to tell me what to do.

xx